Muscles and Muffin Tops

We’ve been hitting the gym like maniacs! Except for today, that is. We went to see Star Wars last night, and aside from not getting home until 1:30am we also had to wait in like 20 degree weather so I couldn’t stop shivering through most the movie and kind of gravely voice today. So figured it would probably be best to just let the bodies rest and recoup. However, I feel like I am really seeing changes in the mirror now! It’s so weird since my measurements aren’t changing, nor is the scale, but man, you should feel my biceps!  I mean, my arms haven’t started toning yet (except for a faint hollow spot developing on the inside!), but the muscle underneath is really starting to grow. I will randomly just flex and feel it through the day because it makes me so happy.

A friend commented that it seems like I have a lot more energy, and that may be true since I now have to take magnesium before bed to get a full night’s rest. If I don’t, I’m tossing and turning and pushing hubby to the brink of falling off, but once those magnesiums pills hit, I’m out until the alarm. Aside from that, I started googling how to see results faster (because you probably know how impatient I am by this point), and a good tip was to grab a pair of tight pants and try them on randomly because you’ll see a much more obvious change than any scale or measurement.

So being me, I grab the smallest pants I own (being a pair of jean shorts I picked up second hand without trying on because they said “L” on the tag and were like $3) and they made it to about my thighs and no further. Realizing that was probably not going to see any major results in the near future, I went to my second smallest pair of shorts (being a pair of blue lacey shorts I bought on Thread Up). This pair actually went on, but were approximately a mile from zipping upon the side, so I figured that would probably also be a hard way to judge and put them back in the “box for future use-one day…hopefully”. I ended up choosing a pair of blue jean shorts that I put on every summer, but that give me a terrible muffin top, though I still opt for them because they are really the only comfortable pair of shorts I’ve ever owned, muffins and their tops aside.

Now, when I’m feeling like a need a boost I have those for my tummy comparison, and that bikini top for my chest and back comparison. I feel like this is a much more satisfying way to measure my success than a stupid number on the scale. Dumb piece of junk…Anyway, hope you have a fantastic weekend and go see Star Wars before someone ruins it for you!

Better late than dead

I had absolutely nothing to worry about! Having had a nervous stomach all day, I finally made it to my appointment with the trainer and she was exactly what I needed. We talked the whole time about the crazy health issues we’ve both suffered with our whole lives and how general practitioners had completely let us down, and how things were finally starting to look up once we had found a naturopath. We talked about nerdy things, I showed her pictures of my Geek Chic wedding (and she cried over the cuteness), and she promised she would never let me set foot on a treadmill because she hates them and fully supports women wanting to lift. It was a good day. There was a sad side to the meeting, though. According to her device, I am 39% body fat when 22% is considered the healthy range. So I have a journey ahead of me.

____________________

Now, I had my actual training with her yesterday, and I’m pretty sure I died in the training room for a few seconds there. Today I am the most achey I have been in years and I didn’t know “squats” could be written on a coroner report for probably cause of death, but it’s definitely looking like a possibility at this point in time. As I’ve said before, I’ve apparently never actually done a real squat before, because my heels lift off the ground when I do. Well, that didn’t stop my trainer! She placed a large ball behind my back, handed me a 20lb kettle bell, and instructed me to squat past lateral (almost touching the ground (or so it felt)) a total of 45 times. Thankfully this was not in a row, but through 3 circuits of 4 exercises. It worked for my form, but all day I have been avoiding engaging any muscles in that area.

Have you ever been breathing but not feel like you are? Because that’s where I was at. All the blood in my body relocated to my head and oxygen got really confused as to what to do once it had been inhaled. So basically, what I learned was fantastic, but I think once I start doing it myself, I’m going to take it a little slower. By no means will I take it easy, but  since I won’t be trying to please anyone, I won’t be pushing myself to the point I’m deciding whether to throw up or faint first. Also, I will be remembering to bring a water bottle next time.

Or will be now.

So that’s it. I’m still here, but feels like barely.

Also, this never posted and I just realized it…fail. Have a great weekend!

My Body Can’t Even

I know i haven’t posted in a while, but I didn’t see the point posting the same thing week after week. Saying that I’m eating right for my body, but still not seeing any changes, maybe soon. And while that’s still the case, sadly, I decided to stop a plan for the time being. I’m tired of stressing and making myself feel bad when I don’t stick to it completely. So I loaded my fridge with meats, veggies, and fruits and I just eat when I’m hungry. I grab some fruit when I need something sweet, and have bottles filled with lemon water and a mixture of apple cider vinegar with cinnamon in my refrigerator for when I want something other than water.

We also finally were able to sign up at the gym and are now planning on going at least 3 times a week to get back to weight lifting. Aside from that news, I have been taking my time off from blogging to learn more about PCOS and the contributing factor to the shit that happens to me, which would insulin resistance. It’s a bitch, but learning about it is not just encouraging, it’s like giant lightbulb that is helping me see why everything has been such a struggle my entire life.

Here’s the thing with insulin resistance… When you eat something that spikes your insulin (like yummy yummy bread), your body literally “cannot even” and just sends it off to be stored as fat to use later instead of burning it for energy like it’s supposed to. This, for me, explained why all through my life, every eating plan I tried would crash and burn and end up gaining me 20lbs in a month instead of losing it. I did weight watchers with their easy and convenient frozen meals. Have you looked at the meal selection? Well, 99.9% of them are based around pasta, bread, or potatoes. All insulin spikers. So when that crashed and failed, I went vegan. Cutting out all fatty animal products would surely help lose weight, but when prepping all veggies meals got to be too difficult, time consuming, and just not satisfying, I turned to pastas and tomato sandwiches to satiate my hunger. Worst thing I could have done to my body.

The good news, however, is that studies show that when given time to rest and heal, one could reverse insulin resistance completely. So here I am, doing my best to stop touching the grains and root veggies that cause my body to go full on drama queen, while filling up on proteins when I get really hungry. The good thing about this arrangement is that I’m training myself to stop feeling bad about fueling my body. Everything I reach for is good, except, I will admit, the sodas that I have let myself get back on. It is really and truly my one real addiction. It’s ridiculous.

To to end my long awaited post, here’s a video I came across that is absolutely worth the watch. It’s time to stop blaming the victims and educate.

One Day

I didn’t forget! My computer has been in the shop since Friday, and it’s basically a new beast. Seriously, they replaced basically everything, so that’s been fun. As for me, I’ve changed basically everything as well! You know how they say “God works in mysterious ways”? I mean, usually people say it to describe off a bad situation which is terrible, but in my case it happened last week. I was getting aggravated that not only was the scale not going down again, it was creeping up! On my last nerve, I just start scrolling through Facebook determined not to think about it any more until later when I saw just what I needed to see on one of those silly clickbait articles. I usually ignore them, but this time, I felt like I needed to read it. “What does your belly say about you?”, and you know what? I’ve talked a lot about listening to your body, but sometimes you can know things but not put two and two together until much later. According to the article, I have what’s known as stress belly. “When your stress and cortisol levels are high, the body actually resists weight loss.”

I’ve known that I deal with bad stress and have all my life. And I knew that stress caused cortisol levels to go through the roof. What I didn’t know, and was prompted to research, was what addiction of mine stressed my body. That addiction is caffein, more specifically coffee. As you know, I love coffee. Like food-gasm love coffee. But I’m now almost a week without the real stuff, supplementing decaf on those mornings when I just want that warm, comforting mug. I had terrible withdrawals the first few days (headaches were the worst), and still need a nap after work every now and then, but I’m getting myself off it. And not only the coffee, but what I was using for my bulletproof coffee in the mornings as well.

Food-gasm

As I’ve said a few times, I am really really intolerant to coconut. Like, it makes water pool around my heart and I get severe shooting pain from my chest, up my neck, into my jaw. It is really really bad, and I want to die when it happens. Now, MCT oil is a blend of coconut and palm fats that many people have said don’t effect people with allergies due to the lack of proteins in it. And it was true, I wasn’t having the pain! But after having it every morning for two weeks, and watching the scale creep up, I’m convinced that it still causes inflammation in my body, because I still have an intolerance.

So it’s back to square one. I’m figuring out what to do for breakfast now, but my turkey wraps and sautéed red pepper fries are still going strong as a lunch option. I even found this awesome box of edamame pasta which is high protein, low fat, and I smother it with homemade alfredo sauce to help get my fats for the day. I’m back down about a pound and a half, but have two more until I am back to where I was before the inflammation. So, here we go again!

I had really hoped to have found a plan that worked for me by now, but I feel like I’m really close. Had blood work done on Monday, and praying something shows! Until then, feeling out my food options, and taking ashwagandha and magnesium before bed.

It’s a Plan

Do you ever have the ‘shower thoughts’ like, “If I could go back in time and talk to myself, what would I tell me?”? I think about that from time to time, and thanks to facebook’s new-ish feature ‘on this day’, I almost facepalm sometimes. Today it’s due to a status from my freshman year of college. I had no idea then about complex carbs and how they so terribly affected my body. Apparently on this day, six years ago, I thought it was fun that I could get a whole box of breadsticks and brownies to snack on through the night with an extra meal swipe I had that was about to expire. Breadsticks and brownies. Pretty sure this was from when I had given up eating meat and cheese in an effort to be a loose vegan for health reasons (yeah, health… it was a sad attempt). When I started that path, I had nothing but good intentions, but sadly I became a processed food ‘vegan’. Pastas and breads and popcorn *shudders* oh my. But everything I have done to myself over this past decade of trying to get healthy has taught me lessons, whether that be a painful or enlightening experience.

So today, though I weigh more than I did then (really, thanks to the poorly educated choices I made at that time), I know better now, and that’s worth something. So even when I go to Target with my pretty, skinny friend who picks up small everything, and I catch my reflection in the glass and feel like a slob, I know that I am making a change for the better, and one day soon, I may be able to pick up smalls too. Okay, not really… I have boobs that would never let me into a small, but hey, I’m good with a medium! And not just that, but my insides with be healthy because I spent the time to listen to what my body had to say to me, and I’m doing it early in life. Tomorrow I turn 25, and I’ve learned more about myself, my body, and healthy lifestyle choices in those short years, than many people care to learn in their entire lives.

And speaking of healthy lifestyle, I found a new (well, new to me) supplement line. It’s sold at Sephora, and they’re called Hum Nutrition. I went ahead and got the 21 Day Cleanse since it’s already prepackaged for being on the go, and is a natural way to cleanse and help digestion. In any case, I never mind trying new supplements. Aside from that, I refigured my eating plan that had been working for me, but was a bitch to prepare. So now I’ve got a bulletproof coffee to drink on my way to work for breakfast (10 oz fresh coffee, 1 scoop collagen, 1 tbs MCT oil. and 2 Tbs cream), a turkey wrap for lunch (3 oz honey roasted turkey, one slice havarti cheese, 1 tbs mayo, mustard, and a hand full of spinach on a low carb wrap), and for dinner, Bacon Wrapped Beef Stuffed Onions with two slices of applewood smoked bacon and almond flour instead of bread crumbs. It’s quite amazing.

Now I get blood work done Monday and only time will tell about everything, but I have a good feeling again. I think I’m on the right path, it’s just sticking with it that becomes the hard part. So have a great day, and I’ll see you again next week!

Fat Thoughts and Other Emotions

I broke down yesterday and weighed myself. No change. No change at all. The only up side is I binged on white rice all last week (so, you know, great time to weigh myself…), so I may have actually lost weight, but am currently bloated with water weight. Hopefully… But now I’m going back to abstaining again. I was looking at myself differently in the mirror, but since seeing no change, I feel like my reflection is just a blob. I hate that so much. I actually lost another half an inch on my hips, which is awesome, but my mental image is right back to where I started. Terrible…

How I feel today

So pity party aside, not much else to report. I applied for a new position at work, meaning if I get it we can actually afford consistent groceries that are on the diet and a gym membership! Which would be lovely. You know, actually being able to afford things? Yeah, it’s been a while. But for now, since I have nothing left to report except that I weighed 226 as of yesterday and have been dealing with a killer headache for about 3 days now, I need to go clean the house for the in laws coming in tomorrow. Praying next week is a better report, but like I posted last week, I’m trying to focus more on how I affect people vs how I don’t like myself physically, because that’s no way to live. Until next week.

Something More Important

Since my last post, I have taken some time to really think about what it means in my life to be “attractive”. I have these images on Pinterest of what I want to look like some day, but when I think through my life, I have never really factored someone’s weight into how I look at their beauty. Yes, there are some cases where no one should ever have that happen to their body, but that’s on both ends of the spectrum. When I think of the women in my life who influenced me the most, or who I thought were just plain gorgeous, you know what? Most of them dealt with a weight issue. But I never noticed. Let me just say that once more. The women who meant the most to me throughout my life dealt with issues about their weight, but it never occurred to me that that could be a factor in the beauty that was their life.

My grandma always had issues with her weight, but she was the person I always could turn to for deep conversations, advice, or a night full of games and activities together. Her weight never factored into the great times we had together. My mom, who is the strongest and most amazing woman (plus, absolutely beautiful!) I have ever had the privilege to know has always thought that she weighed too much, which stems from a stupid comment by a stupid girl in her youth that scarred her so much that decades later she still strives to lose those few extra pounds. You know what? I would kill to look like her. Then there’s a family friend that we grew up knowing. She could be described as ‘thick’ by some people, but I have never seen her looking anything less than glamourous. Her style, from makeup to wardrobe, is what most ladies would strive to model themselves after. Even in sweats this lady has her hair and makeup just perfect!

So even though these ladies are smart, caring, fashionable, strong, and the center of at least one person’s world, we as a society say that there’s something wrong with them because they’re not a size 0, and the stupidest thing is that they believe it themselves. Yes, I would love to see myself as a healthy weight, but after my meditation on this subject the last couple weeks, I think I am going to start changing from obsessive about reaching my goal, to instead seeing how I impact other people’s lives. There will always be some self loathing person who feels that they can only make themselves feel better by ripping other people apart (which is one reason I am starting to loath social media. It has given every idiot a voice behind a mask, and we have to live with their cruelty), but as a conference I went to this past weekend I heard something great. The speaker said that when you feel like complimenting someone, just do it. There is absolutely no reason to keep a good thought in your head when you could share it and brighten someone’s day, and maybe even their lives.

I had a problem doing this in the past because in my head I would worry that they would think that I was weird or worse, hitting on them, which would then lead to an awkward situation, but really, if that was the worst thing to happen to me in a day, I would be doing great. So I have started making it a point to catch people’s attention and compliment them on something. The world could use a little more kindness, so as the saying goes, why not “be the change you wish to see in the world”? Now get out there and tell someone how good they’re looking! And remember, you are the center of someone’s world, no matter your weight.

Weekends Are a Pain in the Diet

I did it again… While my family was here I swore to myself that I’d be good, and it started off that way, but you slip back into such bad habits when you’re comfortable. My family even asked that I help them get on to Keto too, and while I was saying yes and speaking highly of it, I was making biscuits and eating chips. Good news is that I only gained two pounds, but the bad news is I have been having a terrible headache on and off for the last few days. That and I haven’t found the will or energy to make the meal plan I was working with. Well, I did, but then realized I was missing a couple of things which led to an exasperated sigh on my part and grabbing some meat and cheese from the fridge to eat instead of grocery shopping.

That being said, until I can get my butt to the store (which will likely be tomorrow since hubby gets paid), I’m just surviving on what I can find in the fridge. Which is a bummer since I was doing so well on my plan. But, on the bright side, sometimes my body needs the off time to get itself over a plateau. So we’ll just go with that for now. Unfortunately, however, we have a family reunion to attend this weekend, which will likely not be kind to our diets. My best hope is to stick to keto things, but restart the plan Monday when we get back.

Aside from all that, I was able to clear out like half my closet of clothes that are too big now! It was hard giving some of them up, because I really liked a few of those pieces, but I needed to so I don’t have a set of ‘comfortable’ clothes that I could slip back into. I will not do that again. Cool thing is I found this awesome site which is also an app (at least on iPhone), that is basically like shopping at Goodwill (which is my favorite for finding good deals), except they’ve sorted out all the nasty clothes for you, leaving you will brand names in great condition for crazy cheap. If you click through that hyperlink, it SHOULD give you $20 for your first purchase and if it doesn’t let me know and I will fix it. But on top of that, they can also send you what they call a clean out bag which is what I did with all my big clothes. If they don’t want to pay me for them, they donate the lot, and it saves me a trip to the local resale shops! If you can’t tell I’m basically obsessed with it right now. I even found a dress on there that I splurged on to celebrate the dropping of sizes! Even if it doesn’t fit right now, I know it will soon enough. Keeping positive!

So that’s about it for this week. Going to go curl up on the couch with some kombucha and watch some funny movies I rented. Have an utterly fabulous day!

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I’m BACK! I am so very sorry for the last two weeks. To be honest I was struggling with the thought of putting the blog down completely because I was getting so frustrated with everything. Not only was I not losing weight, but I was gaining and my clothes weren’t fitting and basically I was an emotional wreck. So husband and I sat down and he had me go to the Keto Calculator to figure out what I needed and why my macros weren’t being fulfilled. I was eating well, and staying keto, but nothing was happening for me and he was losing crazy fast, so I thought “what could it hurt for two weeks?”. He came up with a meal plan for me and I swear to you, after 1 day I was down significantly. I am sticking to the thought that I married a magic man, because it’s been amazing. I’m now under where I was when I ended the Clean Burn Shape cleanse, but without the lack of sleep, emotional turmoil, or being hungry all the time. I’m also down in inches AND fit into a dress yesterday that I have never been able to fit into before. It called for a date night so we went to a stirfry place where we would stay on the diet and then saw Pixels in 3D. It was a good day.

IT FITTTTSSSSS

Also, speaking of good days, I was able to grow my own SCOBY and am now on my 3rd batch, and my 2nd round of flavorings. It is so good and saving us so much money! So far my favorite is ginger peach, but here’s a tip… If you’re going to do this at home adding ginger to your bottles super carbonates it. I’m talking a within a day dealing with ‘a shaken bottle of champagne’ carbonates it. More than once have I sprayed my kitchen with frothy kombucha, much to my husband’s annoyance. But hey, it’s a small price to pay for a healthy body, right? Though I have not stopped ait locking the ginger infused bottles, only covering them to keep the fruit flies out. Because, something I didn’t know, kombucha attracts fruit flies and gnats by the horde. It has been awful. A friend told me about a death trap involving an unused SCOBY, dish soap, and foil poked with tiny holes. I may just have to create one… But for now I’m looking forward to trying my newest batches. Among my flavors I have cherry vanilla, strawberry ginger, and strawberry-vanilla-sriracha. That last one should be quite interesting! I’ll let you know how it goes.

Thank you for being patient with me during the last month of frustrated rants and absences. I am back on track, and praying you’re also doing wonderful on your own journey. Have a most wonderful day!

I’m Closer Than I Was Yesterday

Good morning! So I will start out this post with a very honest confession. My weekend, while extremely fun, was a train wreck for the diet. Copious amounts of alcohol and bread… I was bloated, dehydrated, and feeling terrible. But since being home, we’ve been hitting the weights like a beast, and I’m now up to bench pressing 75lbs, which may not be a lot, but I am extremely excited that it’s more than just the bar! After getting home from the gym Monday, or as we call it “Arm Day part 1”, my muscles were so exhausted that after flopping onto the bed, I was unable to push myself up again. When I tried, my arms gave out, face planting me back into the pillow. I literally had to roll off the side then get back on on my back.  And I’m still hurting today, so hopefully I’ll be doing ok for tomorrow, otherwise known as “Arm Day part 2”.

And while I am watching the weights increase, it’s hard for me to imagine myself any different than what I’ve been for, well, my whole life. No matter what I do, there’s always this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that nothing will change, I’ll always look like this, even though I know that cannot be the case. If I’m changing my life for the better, then I have to see results, which I know I’ve talked about a few times, but it’s honestly my biggest struggle. I have all this knowledge and hours of research into what makes a body healthy and how to treat symptoms of so many things in a natural way, but when applying them to myself it’s this fight of “you’ll never be healthy. Just eat that (insert food here) because normal people can, and one won’t hurt you”. I think the worst part for me is that I just want to be able to do what other people can. Go to someone’s house and they order a bunch of pizzas, and have some sort of grain with milk in the morning, but I just can’t. That’s socially isolating. I’m ‘that girl’.

Okay Arnold…

But when I’m home, by myself, I feel normal. Like this morning I had this amazing french yogurt in a tiny glass jar. It was delicious, great for me, and while higher in carbs than I’d like, I just think of the benefits it holds. When I’m home I can be surrounded by my high quality, delicious foods that my body can handle, but being a social person, being home all the time is a struggle. That’s why my weight is always up and down. I get a handle on everything while I’m home, but the minute we see other people, I slip into their diet habits, mostly because I have no other choice, but sometimes just because I want to be part of the group. I’m sure many of you understand that struggle. I think what I’m going to have to do is come up with a lunchbox of quick foods to get me through the weekend when we go somewhere. Like these delicious little french yogurts!

https://www.facebook.com/saintbenoitcreamery

On top of everything, I think I need to do something calming like yoga or, really, anything that will help destress me. Lately I’ve felt the anger building inside and I have no idea why. Well, I know reasons why it might be, like a small, dark apartment I can’t seem to keep clean for the life of me, a job that doesn’t pay near enough to pay my bills, and an overwhelming amount of debt that we’re working through. I used to be able to release the stress with a little bit of retail therapy, but the last 2-3 paychecks have gone completely to bills without making a dent. That’s over a month of feeling like I have nothing to show for my hours dedicated to work. Yeah, no wonder I’ve been stressed and depressed, and unable to lose weight. *sigh* I just need to relax. So on that note, I think I’m going to go make a coffee and watch some Netflix for a bit before trying to tackle the house once again.