True Lies

So here’s the thing. I’m actually down a pant size, comfortably in 12s now. We started working out on schedule too and I woke up every time I engaged my stomach muscles last night while flipping all over the bed like one does while unconscious. Unfortunately, most days now when I see myself in a mirror or God forbid someone photographs me, I feel like that fat raccoon you see on funny picture collections. You know, this one:

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It’s bad. I mean, obviously something is happening for the good! My clothes are fitting better, my Basal Body temp is almost to the normal range (meaning my thyroid is finally kicking into gear), but here I am feeling like the biggest lump to have lumped. What’s up with that?!

So, I’m just upping my water intake again (meaning, I’m making more of an effort to keep a bottle with me. Ps, brb, gotta grab that…), keeping off the scale, and getting in with a personal trainer tomorrow. And by the way, I am terrified of seeing her. I know my body, I know what my body can handle, and I also know that I am a people pleaser to the point that it could probably kill me.

Thankfully it’s only one free session, so hopefully I can explain that under doctor’s orders (um, kinda), I’m supposed to stick to low impact shit without sounding like a lazy ass. There’s a difference between ‘lazy’ and ‘has been sick so many years it has lead to a cautionary state’, but unless you’ve lived it, it’s really hard to see the difference. Like the video of the surgeon I shared last week. He was bitter and hateful and blamed his patient for the state she was in until he started suffering with unknown weight gain. It was only then, and after he learned why it was happening, did he have sympathy for those in that situation.

Anyway, we’ll see. I’m hoping it’s just an evaluation with her asking what I would like to do. I would really rather not be doing the combat ropes and running on the treadmill. I’ve seen a trainer once when I was younger, and they basically just wanted to run me to death. No wonder I have an aversion to seeing her tomorrow. Ugh. I’ll let you know  how it goes. Until then, make good choices for yourself!

 

One Day

I didn’t forget! My computer has been in the shop since Friday, and it’s basically a new beast. Seriously, they replaced basically everything, so that’s been fun. As for me, I’ve changed basically everything as well! You know how they say “God works in mysterious ways”? I mean, usually people say it to describe off a bad situation which is terrible, but in my case it happened last week. I was getting aggravated that not only was the scale not going down again, it was creeping up! On my last nerve, I just start scrolling through Facebook determined not to think about it any more until later when I saw just what I needed to see on one of those silly clickbait articles. I usually ignore them, but this time, I felt like I needed to read it. “What does your belly say about you?”, and you know what? I’ve talked a lot about listening to your body, but sometimes you can know things but not put two and two together until much later. According to the article, I have what’s known as stress belly. “When your stress and cortisol levels are high, the body actually resists weight loss.”

I’ve known that I deal with bad stress and have all my life. And I knew that stress caused cortisol levels to go through the roof. What I didn’t know, and was prompted to research, was what addiction of mine stressed my body. That addiction is caffein, more specifically coffee. As you know, I love coffee. Like food-gasm love coffee. But I’m now almost a week without the real stuff, supplementing decaf on those mornings when I just want that warm, comforting mug. I had terrible withdrawals the first few days (headaches were the worst), and still need a nap after work every now and then, but I’m getting myself off it. And not only the coffee, but what I was using for my bulletproof coffee in the mornings as well.

Food-gasm

As I’ve said a few times, I am really really intolerant to coconut. Like, it makes water pool around my heart and I get severe shooting pain from my chest, up my neck, into my jaw. It is really really bad, and I want to die when it happens. Now, MCT oil is a blend of coconut and palm fats that many people have said don’t effect people with allergies due to the lack of proteins in it. And it was true, I wasn’t having the pain! But after having it every morning for two weeks, and watching the scale creep up, I’m convinced that it still causes inflammation in my body, because I still have an intolerance.

So it’s back to square one. I’m figuring out what to do for breakfast now, but my turkey wraps and sautéed red pepper fries are still going strong as a lunch option. I even found this awesome box of edamame pasta which is high protein, low fat, and I smother it with homemade alfredo sauce to help get my fats for the day. I’m back down about a pound and a half, but have two more until I am back to where I was before the inflammation. So, here we go again!

I had really hoped to have found a plan that worked for me by now, but I feel like I’m really close. Had blood work done on Monday, and praying something shows! Until then, feeling out my food options, and taking ashwagandha and magnesium before bed.

Scale Fever

Completely forgot what day it was! So do you want to know what the hardest part of this week has been? Not weighing myself. It has not only become a habit in my life, but it seems it is also an obsession. It’s been about a week since the last time I did, and I find myself feeling seriously overweight. I feel like everything I eat is terrible and that I’m eating too much, but when I log it to see, I’m only at half what I should be eating for the day. HALF! I realize I have no idea how I am without my scale. It was a crutch I was using to reassure myself that I was doing ok. Even if I wasn’t losing weight, I was staying the same, and after a lifetime of watching the numbers go up for seemingly no reason, it’s at least somewhat of a comfort to know you’re not going up. But without it in my life, I’m always assuming the worst. I look in the mirror, and feel like I look bigger than ever. I can’t even find my measuring tape to see if I’m just having a mental ‘fat day’ or if somehow I actually have puffed up. What is wrong with me?

Honestly, it’s probably just withdrawals. Like any other addiction, you’re going to have negative side effects, and it seems mine is terrible body image issues. In fact, writing this made me sad, and I had to go do something to reassure myself that I’m doing ok. Not the scale though… I’m keeping my promise and waiting until my birthday to see how far I’ve come. Which is hopefully at least ten pounds. Hopefully. Nah, I bough a ‘goal’ bikini years ago, and when I first got it, it was about four inches from closing. Today, I was able to get it not only closed, but fitting pretty well. I mean, it’s still a bit too small to be seen in public with it on, but it’s encouraging!

So that’s me this week. Eating pretty well, though I’m still fighting some kind of cold or something, so basically having to make myself eat some days. Especially at home. Eating out always sounds way better than eating in, even more so when I’m sick. Who wants to prep food when you’re coughing so hard you gag yourself? Not me, that’s who. Hope you have a great weekend! I’ll be camping, so pray I don’t die… from, you know… nature.

Dealing With the Feels

Hello. My name is (mumbles something) and I am addicted to carbs. About two weeks ago I just went crazy for a few days and my body handled it well, only putting on about 2 lbs (which is impressive with my history), but then it happened. I lost my will to eat well again. I had a plan laid out for me, I was doing amazing on it, then a cheat day turned into a cheat week, turned into my taste buds changing. Now I am sick, with no appetite, and have been this way since Monday night. I binged on sugar and my immune system tanked. Unfortunately, my body responds to no food the same as large amounts of bad food…Meaning, I put weight back on, and I am feeling so down about my body image to the point I couldn’t bring myself to post this week until now. Now I’m easing myself back into it, and will be getting groceries tomorrow to keep on keeping on. Now, being sick, I was supposed to go see my in-laws this weekend, but let’s be honest… I can’t even sleep in my own bed without coughing so hard I feel like throwing up, I can’t imagine being at someone else’s house and trying to take care of this. Plus, I just don’t want to make anyone else feel this way.

I will say, though, I have been making my own cough syrup again, and it works really really well still. Raw honey, apple cider vinegar, cayenne pepper. fresh ginger grated, and cinnamon. It’s sweet and tangy, and within ten minutes of taking it, my coughing has subsided. Plus, normal cough medicine upsets my stomach really bad, so all natural ingredients are a gift. So that’s where I am right now. Stuffy and runny nose, coughing, dizzy, and no appetite, all while dealing with feelings of self loathing which are stupid, and should not be an issue. I think my biggest problem is that I was getting so addicted to lifting, then we just stopped. Now I just feel lazy, and thanks to my messed up adrenals, there’s not a lot I can do for workouts at home, aside from walking with Leslie Sansone, or yoga, not that there’s space in this tiny apartment for either. I’m just bummed out.

So here’s my plan. I’m getting back on my meal plan (though tweaking it a little because I wasn’t eating enough), making hubby go to the apartment gym with me no matter how much he complains about how little they have because it’s a heck of a lot more than we have, and we can’t afford a gym membership at the moment, and finally, not getting on the scale until my birthday. That last one is going to be the hardest, but I get so discouraged looking at the numbers. Or I feel like it gives me an excuse to cheat, but that’s a problem, because no matter how well I’m doing, I’m still over 200 pounds, and that’s not ok to me. I have to remind myself that all that food that I want now will still be there when I’ve reached my goal. That’s me for this week. Hope you guys are doing better, and I hope you have a great weekend.

My Apologies

Computer is now in the shop, and could be gone until next week, so this week’s post must be postponed (and while that sounds like it should be a pun, it is definitely not meant that way in any way, shape, or form. Puns….), So until next week, please enjoy an older post that has gotten buried through all the news, but something that still is worth a read. Have a lovely week!

https://iamnotfatblog.wordpress.com/2015/01/30/love-yourself-because-no-one-elses-opinion-really-matters/

And remember

Weekends Are a Pain in the Diet

I did it again… While my family was here I swore to myself that I’d be good, and it started off that way, but you slip back into such bad habits when you’re comfortable. My family even asked that I help them get on to Keto too, and while I was saying yes and speaking highly of it, I was making biscuits and eating chips. Good news is that I only gained two pounds, but the bad news is I have been having a terrible headache on and off for the last few days. That and I haven’t found the will or energy to make the meal plan I was working with. Well, I did, but then realized I was missing a couple of things which led to an exasperated sigh on my part and grabbing some meat and cheese from the fridge to eat instead of grocery shopping.

That being said, until I can get my butt to the store (which will likely be tomorrow since hubby gets paid), I’m just surviving on what I can find in the fridge. Which is a bummer since I was doing so well on my plan. But, on the bright side, sometimes my body needs the off time to get itself over a plateau. So we’ll just go with that for now. Unfortunately, however, we have a family reunion to attend this weekend, which will likely not be kind to our diets. My best hope is to stick to keto things, but restart the plan Monday when we get back.

Aside from all that, I was able to clear out like half my closet of clothes that are too big now! It was hard giving some of them up, because I really liked a few of those pieces, but I needed to so I don’t have a set of ‘comfortable’ clothes that I could slip back into. I will not do that again. Cool thing is I found this awesome site which is also an app (at least on iPhone), that is basically like shopping at Goodwill (which is my favorite for finding good deals), except they’ve sorted out all the nasty clothes for you, leaving you will brand names in great condition for crazy cheap. If you click through that hyperlink, it SHOULD give you $20 for your first purchase and if it doesn’t let me know and I will fix it. But on top of that, they can also send you what they call a clean out bag which is what I did with all my big clothes. If they don’t want to pay me for them, they donate the lot, and it saves me a trip to the local resale shops! If you can’t tell I’m basically obsessed with it right now. I even found a dress on there that I splurged on to celebrate the dropping of sizes! Even if it doesn’t fit right now, I know it will soon enough. Keeping positive!

So that’s about it for this week. Going to go curl up on the couch with some kombucha and watch some funny movies I rented. Have an utterly fabulous day!

Just a Quick Update

My family is coming in today! I couldn’t be happier, especially since the hubby is off on a biking trip that will last him until Sunday. I would really prefer not to be alone until then, so thankfully I won’t have to be. This will be the first time they have seen the new apartment, and since they’re my guests, they get to jump on the keto train for the next few days. I just can’t say that it’s a specific way of eating, or else I’ll get a lecture from one of them, no matter how good or filling it is. Oh well, look to the bright side…. FAMILY MOVIE NIGHT! Oh man, I missed that. So a stack rented from the library, and now to come up with some snacks.

On the everything else front, I’m the lightest I’ve been since the wedding, and fast approaching my ‘big day’ weight once again. I swear, I worked so hard to get to that 220 mark, just to have it gone in a week of married life. But 2 am donut runs will do that to a girl. So, I’m planning to just wave at it as I pass it on the scale on my way down to 200 flat, then beyond. I swear, this eating plan hubster made for me is magic. I did slip up over the weekend at the wedding, but when there’s an open bar and it’s a million degrees out, you reach for that iced concoction to get you through it, and unfortunately that was loaded with sugar. But those pounds are already gone, and I’m only a couple days behind. Gotta live! But I have to say, my clothes are fitting really nice. Pants that used to be too tight are just snug enough to be comfortable without a belt, and as I said in the last post, I have been able to fit into some dresses that I’ve never been able to before. This is one of the few times in my whole life that I have been encouraged on an eating plan without hitting a solid plateau that then became a slide to adding an extra 20+lbs in addition to what I had lost back onto my person. It has been a terribly frustrating way to live, to say the least.

Now to do a mad rush of cleaning before everyone gets here. Have a lovely day!

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I’m BACK! I am so very sorry for the last two weeks. To be honest I was struggling with the thought of putting the blog down completely because I was getting so frustrated with everything. Not only was I not losing weight, but I was gaining and my clothes weren’t fitting and basically I was an emotional wreck. So husband and I sat down and he had me go to the Keto Calculator to figure out what I needed and why my macros weren’t being fulfilled. I was eating well, and staying keto, but nothing was happening for me and he was losing crazy fast, so I thought “what could it hurt for two weeks?”. He came up with a meal plan for me and I swear to you, after 1 day I was down significantly. I am sticking to the thought that I married a magic man, because it’s been amazing. I’m now under where I was when I ended the Clean Burn Shape cleanse, but without the lack of sleep, emotional turmoil, or being hungry all the time. I’m also down in inches AND fit into a dress yesterday that I have never been able to fit into before. It called for a date night so we went to a stirfry place where we would stay on the diet and then saw Pixels in 3D. It was a good day.

IT FITTTTSSSSS

Also, speaking of good days, I was able to grow my own SCOBY and am now on my 3rd batch, and my 2nd round of flavorings. It is so good and saving us so much money! So far my favorite is ginger peach, but here’s a tip… If you’re going to do this at home adding ginger to your bottles super carbonates it. I’m talking a within a day dealing with ‘a shaken bottle of champagne’ carbonates it. More than once have I sprayed my kitchen with frothy kombucha, much to my husband’s annoyance. But hey, it’s a small price to pay for a healthy body, right? Though I have not stopped ait locking the ginger infused bottles, only covering them to keep the fruit flies out. Because, something I didn’t know, kombucha attracts fruit flies and gnats by the horde. It has been awful. A friend told me about a death trap involving an unused SCOBY, dish soap, and foil poked with tiny holes. I may just have to create one… But for now I’m looking forward to trying my newest batches. Among my flavors I have cherry vanilla, strawberry ginger, and strawberry-vanilla-sriracha. That last one should be quite interesting! I’ll let you know how it goes.

Thank you for being patient with me during the last month of frustrated rants and absences. I am back on track, and praying you’re also doing wonderful on your own journey. Have a most wonderful day!

I’m Closer Than I Was Yesterday

Good morning! So I will start out this post with a very honest confession. My weekend, while extremely fun, was a train wreck for the diet. Copious amounts of alcohol and bread… I was bloated, dehydrated, and feeling terrible. But since being home, we’ve been hitting the weights like a beast, and I’m now up to bench pressing 75lbs, which may not be a lot, but I am extremely excited that it’s more than just the bar! After getting home from the gym Monday, or as we call it “Arm Day part 1”, my muscles were so exhausted that after flopping onto the bed, I was unable to push myself up again. When I tried, my arms gave out, face planting me back into the pillow. I literally had to roll off the side then get back on on my back.  And I’m still hurting today, so hopefully I’ll be doing ok for tomorrow, otherwise known as “Arm Day part 2”.

And while I am watching the weights increase, it’s hard for me to imagine myself any different than what I’ve been for, well, my whole life. No matter what I do, there’s always this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that nothing will change, I’ll always look like this, even though I know that cannot be the case. If I’m changing my life for the better, then I have to see results, which I know I’ve talked about a few times, but it’s honestly my biggest struggle. I have all this knowledge and hours of research into what makes a body healthy and how to treat symptoms of so many things in a natural way, but when applying them to myself it’s this fight of “you’ll never be healthy. Just eat that (insert food here) because normal people can, and one won’t hurt you”. I think the worst part for me is that I just want to be able to do what other people can. Go to someone’s house and they order a bunch of pizzas, and have some sort of grain with milk in the morning, but I just can’t. That’s socially isolating. I’m ‘that girl’.

Okay Arnold…

But when I’m home, by myself, I feel normal. Like this morning I had this amazing french yogurt in a tiny glass jar. It was delicious, great for me, and while higher in carbs than I’d like, I just think of the benefits it holds. When I’m home I can be surrounded by my high quality, delicious foods that my body can handle, but being a social person, being home all the time is a struggle. That’s why my weight is always up and down. I get a handle on everything while I’m home, but the minute we see other people, I slip into their diet habits, mostly because I have no other choice, but sometimes just because I want to be part of the group. I’m sure many of you understand that struggle. I think what I’m going to have to do is come up with a lunchbox of quick foods to get me through the weekend when we go somewhere. Like these delicious little french yogurts!

https://www.facebook.com/saintbenoitcreamery

On top of everything, I think I need to do something calming like yoga or, really, anything that will help destress me. Lately I’ve felt the anger building inside and I have no idea why. Well, I know reasons why it might be, like a small, dark apartment I can’t seem to keep clean for the life of me, a job that doesn’t pay near enough to pay my bills, and an overwhelming amount of debt that we’re working through. I used to be able to release the stress with a little bit of retail therapy, but the last 2-3 paychecks have gone completely to bills without making a dent. That’s over a month of feeling like I have nothing to show for my hours dedicated to work. Yeah, no wonder I’ve been stressed and depressed, and unable to lose weight. *sigh* I just need to relax. So on that note, I think I’m going to go make a coffee and watch some Netflix for a bit before trying to tackle the house once again.

Not Easy, But Always Worth

Good morning and happy Wednesday to you all! So since last week I’ve finally started lifting. Only small plates right now, but I’ll be honest, it’s kind of addicting! I’m always looking forward to arm day, though tomorrow may be a different story since we’re spending the entire day at an amusement park, but hubby insists he is still going to the gym after. I just say we’ll see how we’re feeling, though it is set to rain tomorrow which I am bummed about. Aside from that, I’ve lost half an inch on my hips and a full inch on my thighs which is awesome. But me being me, I work out a couple days and expect to see results, and get disappointed when nothing is there, or rather, everything is still there… After the last time I rage quit, though, I promised myself that I would be rational about it this time. If I’m working out and building muscle, there is no way I can stay the same forever. My body is f’ed up and so it may take longer, but better late than never, right?

The other new thing is I started trying MCT oil (Medium Chain Triglycerides) . I was really nervous about trying it since I am severely allergic to coconut, but since it’s pure fat, it’s been so far so good with it… At least in the allergy department. Here’s the thing about using MCT for the first time, and this will be TMI but you need to know if you’re going to try it, when starting, it can cause bad stomach cramps and terrible diarrhea (is there any other kind, though?) for the first few days. It also gives me a tinge of a scratchy throat for a few hours after drinking it, but the things I’ve found online say that this should all go away as my body gets used to it. Which, the only thing I still deal with is the scratchy throat, thank god. And if it works the way it’s supposed to for me, I will be looking at a quick energy source, help with muscle building, reducing fat storage, and help burning more calories faster, as well as:

Unfortunately, I have a problem getting my needed calories per day at the moment. I was getting to know what I needed at a resting rate, but now with my job and hitting the gym 4 days a week, I’m eating about 500 calories fewer than my body needs, since I average around 1100 a day out of habit. So my challenge for the week is getting over my mindset of eating less, and get some food in this body for fuel. Don’t want my body eating the muscle I’m working so hard to build, now do we? So on that note, I’m going to go figure something out for my first meal of the day since my lemon water is almost done now. Have a wonderful day and keep up the great work!