Dear Diary,

Sorry that my posts have seemed so down recently. Ever since the CBS I have been going through bouts of weepiness and I’m just frustrated with so much right now. Always at the forefront of that frustration is the inability to lose weight. I have 100 pounds that can easily be shed (well, at least half of that should be easy, after that is where my body should be), but nothing changes. Then there’s the frustration that I’m limited in hours in my job and I just want to jump in with both feet, but am being held back during my 6 month trial period so that they can make sure I’m a right fit before they commit to me. That, and my husband has jokingly said that what I make there isn’t really enough to make a difference in our finances, so I’m stuck here wondering why I’m even working when it doesn’t matter if I’m doing it or not. At least if I’m home I can keep it clean and have dinner on the table when he gets home. Now I feel like I’m still expected to do what I did before but with a job too. I’ll be honest, I’m no Cinderella. I love cooking, yes, but when it comes to cleaning, I don’t start caring until it gets pretty obvious that things need to change, or that we’re having people over. People coming over means spotless and everything organized like it’s never been before. I’m talking like all my makeup neatly organized into a grid of perfection. Anyway, there’s that and I’m stressing about the new apartment, since it’s much older and MUCH cheaper… I don’t want to have to deal with ‘the upstairs neighbor’ issue everyone seems to deal with.

So, there are days I just want to give up, throw on my sweat pants, order a giant pizza, grab a bottle of wine, and just have a good cry. Not care about the carbs, or the intolerances for once. Just eat a pizza, by myself, with my bottle of wine, and go on with my life. That’s the kind of day I’m wanting. Maybe it’s just something I need to do. Just take a day to throw a pity party, then get myself back in gear. Or do I just fight through it and work out even harder? (but not so hard I make myself sick. Stupid adrenals and your stupid issues…) *sighs* I just don’t know. I know I need something to kick me out of this funk though. I’ll think about it today, maybe have someone talk me off the cliff, because I honestly have Domino’s website up right now… I guess you’ll know tomorrow!

Getting Back to Highschool, and Then Some

Okay, so here’s my issue here… I am staying at the exact same weight. My clothes are fitting nicer, and I feel like I’m slimming down, but there’s absolutely no change in the scale. My husband keeps telling me “It takes time”, except I’ve been trying to lose weight since I was 10. That is a decade and a half of doing everything I know to do. Granted it has only been in the last year that I have learned the most about my body, but the last thing I want to hear is “It takes time”, as he’s proudly stating that he’s almost back to what he was in high school. You know what I was in high school? Overweight. Less so than I am now, but still loaded up on inflammatories and having every doctor tell me I’m fat at every check up. But that was about 50 pounds down from where I land today, and still have about 50 pounds to go after I hit that. It’s a bit discouraging.

But I am working on it. I make healthy choices every day, and have upped my activity level. I actually hit all 10,000 steps in my goal yesterday, and summer is almost here which means pools! Amusement parks and pools. I can’t wait. But for now, even though I didn’t make it through the squat challenge (which I’m going to start again, minus the pistol squats. I just can’t even get close), I do squats all day at work. It’s pretty much an overall 3 hours of walking and squatting totaled up. So hoping that will help with everything. Not really a whole lot else is new. I’m focusing on the mostly plant based keto, with a bit of animal protein thrown in for ease, but my morning rocket fuel with hemp protein and oil, cocoa butter, and collagen is quite satisfying, especially since I don’t really have time to make food most mornings now.

So basically I need to set aside a day to cook. The problem is I have had NO energy lately. I’m not really sleeping well, I’m pretty tired, and most days I feel like I’m coming down with something. I do work with the public now, so I probably need to start keeping some hand sanitizer on me… Anyway, most nights now, the thought of making something seems exhausting, and I really really miss being home. I kind of had a bit of a melt down last night over it. I do really love my job, but the pay (due to restricted hours) is almost not worth it, but I like what I do, so it’s not terrible. Just, it’s not being home. And now I work a lot of weekends… Sigh. Sometimes I miss my old boring desk job. It paid very well and I got to listen to audio books all day. I’m going to try to listen to audio books here, but it may not fly. We’ll see though! Anyway, need to go fuel up for the day to come. Have a great one!

Zzzzzzzzzzzz….

If there is one thing I am not, it is a morning person. I need a good hour to get going with no anxiety of having to be somewhere on time, so basically morning shifts are the bane of my existence, and I have a lot of them now. Do I absolutely love my job? Yes. Completely. Do I want to live next door so I don’t have to deal with Kansas City traffic? An equally fervent yes. Unfortunately we’re moving out of this apartment to a much cheaper one to help pay off debt faster, and it’s not that much closer to my job… I just hope the new place is nicer than I’m bracing myself for it to be.

But aside from being grouchy and having trouble staying asleep, I’ve gone back to keto and sent the CBS back to Orenda for a refund. I must say, I do enjoy my hemp rocket fuel coffees in the morning. High fat, low carb, and easy to make. I do have a snacking problem that needs to be figured out though. At night I like to do blueberries and coco nibs with a little stevia, but during the day? Dunno. Anyway, not a whole lot to talk about today, especially since I got to this so late. But I hope you have a wonderful day, and I’m looking forward to my noon shift tomorrow! There will be something posted in the morning, promise 🙂

My Ride with Orenda’s Clean Burn Shape

I am so completely sorry about missing Friday’s post. For some reason I was thrown off on what day it was all week, and it was in the back of my mind that Friday was Saturday even though I knew we were going to the rehearsal dinner that night. That and I was so busy all day. Had to work the morning shift, then run around picking up things, then come home to clean a little and get ready, and leave. It was a busy busy day, that ended with pasta and a Dr Pepper. It wasn’t my best day to be sure.

I’m sorry…

But I’m here now! I have near everything one could need for a more plant based Keto journey, and I’m eager and ready to start. I’ve been somewhat easing into it the last couple days, trying out new recipes and what not. If you haven’t already checked out Healthful Pursuit’s recipes, get on it. I was able to filter into ‘low carb’, ‘soy free’, and even ‘vegan’/’dairy free’ at the same time. I basically created a new Pinterest board with everything I found on there that works for me. I suggest the blueberry scones (especially if you can have butter. I can’t really, but it’s butter, so I make an exception every now and then…even if I cough), and today I’m making the ‘Flirty Raspberry Fig Bars’ found here: http://www.healthfulpursuit.com/recipe/flirty-rasberry-fig-bars/

And now that I’m feeling less shitty, I can give an honest review of the Orenda Clean Burn Shape system. The initial 10 Day cleanse is fantastic. It will help kill the cravings your body has, but you have to fight the addiction cravings your mind sends out, which can be tough. If you plan on doing this, however, make absolutely certain that you are taking a very good ‘B Complex’ supplement. My levels crashed so hard by day 4 I was scared I was going into a depression. I was so sad, and would just start weeping over nothing. One day I was brewing a cup of coffee, just watching my tears splatter on the floor with no idea why I wouldn’t stop crying. Vitamin deficiency can be a scary thing. Next, I may not have gotten enough calories on top of being low on magnesium. I was going to bed and not able to sleep most nights. I was wired, and a couple days after that I was anxious. I’m talking full blown getting *scared* that the weight loss would stop and that I would fail, and it was super stressful. Turns out, that may have been my adrenals freaking out, thinking I was starving and/or a deficiency in magnesium as well.

Unfortunately, as soon as I started the 30 day, I plateaued and even gained a few of the 12 previously shed pounds back. I am again hovering at 230 as opposed to the 226 I was at by the end of the 10 day cleanse. Thankfully, they have a no questions asked return policy, and I’m shipping everything back today for a refund on the 30 day system. I wish it could have gone better, but it was definitely an experience, and I know what to do next time if I try it again. But now I’m excited about returning to low carb. It has been a proven method of weight loss for women with PCOS, and it’s been the only eating plan that has not only worked for me, but has kept me full! That and I don’t count calories because when I do that, I get obsessive and end up skipping meals. That is not okay, and I’ve learned it’s just something I need to avoid for my own personal health. So now I’ll be bringing you my low carb journey, which should include some delicious recipes! Have a most excellent day.

One More Must Watch

It’s been quite the juggle starting a new job, keeping up with the blog, meeting new people here, and trying to figure out where to go next on this journey. I’m working on it though! And I’m going to be honest, healthfulpursuit.com has been so encouraging to me the past few days. I am really going to try to go back to keto, because it was working for me, as I’ve said before, until I added dairy in. But because of that experience I now know that I have issues with dairy, so as long as I learned something it was a good lesson, and not a failure. Having done it before too, I now know that I need to find much more veggie based recipes. Personally, I cannot handle eating all that meat, though bacon is quite the necessity when you just want something crunchy!

But, since I had to work this morning, and don’t want this post to get out there mid afternoon, I’m going to include another video here that I have found very inspirational. Same speaker as yesterday, interviewing a vegan low carb-er. It was a fantastic and inspiring watch for me, and gave me some tips and ideas on how to get fat in my diet without resorting to dairy. Enjoy!

Video Time!

As I said in yesterday’s post, I am crazy busy today, but nothing will stop me from posting. So, while I don’t have time to write like I normally do, I found an amazing lady who goes through everything I go through. If you can put aside some time, I definitely recommend watching this video. So this is all I’m posting for the day. I hope you get as much out of this as I did (and you know, subscribe to her channel if you enjoy it). Have a fantastic day!

The Struggle is Real

This is my struggle. Every day, I fight between eating what I want to eat (as well as being socially pressured into eating things I know I shouldn’t), and getting to my goal. Not ever having been thin, and having lived with food problems my entire life, it feels impossible to really hold on to my goal. When I start losing weight, I’m plagued with the questions of ‘will this even work?’ and ‘am I just wasting my time, making myself unhappy for no reason?’, and the worst, ‘what if I am putting myself through this, only to gain everything back just like every other time I’ve tried’. Losing weight is thrilling and empowering, but it’s also a long journey and can be rough as well as polarizing. You feel so alone because not one thing will work for everyone, and usually you will find the case to be that your friends and family can survive and thrive on things that seem much easier to you than the shit you have to put yourself through to be healthy. So why try? Why not just give in and eat whatever the hell you want and treat yourself? Because you have goals. Is that enough?

I am in this place where I just can’t work up the willpower to do what I know I need to do to lose weight. It’s partly because I feel terrible that a grain free and soy free vegan diet is f’ing expensive, and partly because I just don’t want to do that. Do I like meat? Not really. There are times I crave it, and you have to admit it’s definitely filling, but something about it usually sends my gag reflex reeling. I think what I am going to have to do, if I really want to get serious about this, is two things. The first is read an inspirational book that will get me on track and pumped up (for me, if I want to go vegan it’s the book Skinny Bitch, as well as the documentary Forks Over Knives, while if I want to get pumped up for working out, I watch the p90x infomercial. This is what works for me, personally). The second is something I’ve never done before, but I think what is going to help is signing up for a meal planning service to get started.

My biggest problem when changing my lifestyle is variety. Ever since I was a kid, I physically cannot eat the same thing (pizza being the exclusion) every day. It makes me nauseous and I can’t deal with it, and I have no idea why this happens. So while I’m compiling a board of recipes on Pinterest, I think I need to sign up for something that is already done for me. After a little research, I think I’m going to try www.healthfulpursuit.com/, because from the looks of it, I can customize my allergies and needs on top of the recipes, which is exactly what I need. Hopefully it works! But you’ll know when I do, as I will be blogging about it just like everything else I do. As for tomorrow’s post, if it’s not up by noon, check back. I have work early followed by lunch with my bible study ladies, so if I can’t get a post together tonight, I won’t be able to start working on it until around 2…Sorry! But I hope you have a wonderful day.

Listen Up

Welcome to Monday! My weekend was not good like I planned, we ended up having a house guest which you know what that means! Eating out a lot. Hindsight we should have just gone grocery shopping, but convenience usually wins out in such situations. Which sucks because in my world ‘convenience’ usually means weight gain, and in this case, it’s true… again. So tonight is grocery shopping, making it possible for me to get on track again. Why does it feel like when you fall off the wagon, it feels like a marathon to get back on?! But it’s not all bad. I took the opportunity to get back to drinking lots of water, and made sure to get at least 100oz a day. That was my win this weekend.

Friday night, however, I ended up getting a mild case of food poisoning, and if you follow my blog you know my body is weird as hell. Being sick is no exception for this phenomenon. You see, when I get sick like that, my body craves the weirdest shit that when I request it (because it’s the only thing that doesn’t make my body tense with the feeling of throwing up), people give me the most ridiculous looks. Here’s an example… One time I couldn’t stand the thought of any food, but knew I needed to eat, so I grabbed a Hostess cherry pie and a cherry coke, and I felt a million times better after that. This time it was a lettuce wrapped Hardee’s burger with fries and a White Russian. No joke, I would have punched someone for a White Russian, and the thought of anything else (aside from Hardee’s) made me physically ill. So my wonderful husband went out and got my odd requests, and after partaking I felt so much better.

They say that your stomach is like a second brain for your body, letting you know what you need without you knowing through cravings, and since taking the journey of taking the time to listen to my body, I have begun to realize the difference between a body craving and a mind craving. It is a screwy feeling once you know what the difference is. The mind cravings are from food addictions (for me that’s mostly sushi and a bit of sugar, and yes, sushi is an addiction according to science:http://elitedaily.com/women/17-reasons-science-says-not-fault-youre-addicted-sushi/917426/), while the body cravings are usually something you are lacking in your diet, and your body knows you need it.  And there are a bunch of scientific studies coming out that are proving this. Like this one from Scientific America:http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/gut-second-brain/

So maybe take some time this week or this month to interpret whether that craving you’re feeling is really something you need, or something you have just become addicted to over the years. Addictions can be broken, but nutrients are something you will always need. That being said, listen to your stomach! It knows you better than you do.

Going to my Mind Palace, BRB

Emotional meltdown this morning. I’m angry with myself, frustrated that nothing seems to be working anymore, and irritated at the fact that the only way it seems I can lose weight is to go to a completely plant based diet and even then I get vitamin deficient to the point of exhaustion and weepiness. I’m starting a list on the whiteboard in my office of a definitive list of what works and what does not. I will add some maybes and slowly find out where they belong. But for now, I’m just ridiculously upset, and am going to go sulk for a bit. Then, I don’t know, probably work out. All I’ve had so far is dark chocolate and a bit of coffee, because I lose my appetite when I’m feeling like this. No, I’m not starving myself, I just am not hungry. I do have some zoodles waiting for when I am, though. Going to hydrate too. Maybe I need a rest day? But for now I am in no mood to do this. Not just that, I really have nothing to say. I can’t live like this, and I can’t not live like this, so I need to just stop and make a plan, and get myself hyped up to follow it. So this is goodbye for now, and I’ll be back Monday morning. Have a great weekend.

You Won’t Like Me When I’m Hangry

Just a quick story today. I love my job, but like I said yesterday when I work the late shift and don’t get home until 9 or after, I am completely famished. I’m talking HANGRY famished. So my husband promises the entire last half of my shift that he’s going to cheer me up when I get home. Being me, I think “Oh man… he’s going to have dinner ready and I can have something as soon as I get home so it won’t be as bad as waiting until I can have something fixed for myself. This will be so nice.” Haha, nope! I get home a bit early and warned him I was coming home early, you know, in case he was waiting to pick something up to surprise me with. I get home, unlock the door, and he’s on his computer with friends, no food in sight. Mind you, I am already on the verge of hangry-ness, and so I just flopped on the couch and simmered. I have no idea what his idea of cheering me up was, but it was not apparent to me. He got off his game about 10 minutes later, saw I was upset, and went and bought me a sandwich that I requested (because when you are hungry, nothing is a bad choice. That’s why I usually try to not let myself get to that point. Bad choices. Bad choices abound), and ended up with a stomach ache and extra 2.5lbs this morning. So I’m not in the best mood today, and have to attend a board meeting this afternoon. Sigh. Thankfully I have tomorrow off, and I am definitely going to use it to get my ass back on track.

Make better choices today, that’s the goal. Have a great day.