Muscles and Muffin Tops

We’ve been hitting the gym like maniacs! Except for today, that is. We went to see Star Wars last night, and aside from not getting home until 1:30am we also had to wait in like 20 degree weather so I couldn’t stop shivering through most the movie and kind of gravely voice today. So figured it would probably be best to just let the bodies rest and recoup. However, I feel like I am really seeing changes in the mirror now! It’s so weird since my measurements aren’t changing, nor is the scale, but man, you should feel my biceps!  I mean, my arms haven’t started toning yet (except for a faint hollow spot developing on the inside!), but the muscle underneath is really starting to grow. I will randomly just flex and feel it through the day because it makes me so happy.

A friend commented that it seems like I have a lot more energy, and that may be true since I now have to take magnesium before bed to get a full night’s rest. If I don’t, I’m tossing and turning and pushing hubby to the brink of falling off, but once those magnesiums pills hit, I’m out until the alarm. Aside from that, I started googling how to see results faster (because you probably know how impatient I am by this point), and a good tip was to grab a pair of tight pants and try them on randomly because you’ll see a much more obvious change than any scale or measurement.

So being me, I grab the smallest pants I own (being a pair of jean shorts I picked up second hand without trying on because they said “L” on the tag and were like $3) and they made it to about my thighs and no further. Realizing that was probably not going to see any major results in the near future, I went to my second smallest pair of shorts (being a pair of blue lacey shorts I bought on Thread Up). This pair actually went on, but were approximately a mile from zipping upon the side, so I figured that would probably also be a hard way to judge and put them back in the “box for future use-one day…hopefully”. I ended up choosing a pair of blue jean shorts that I put on every summer, but that give me a terrible muffin top, though I still opt for them because they are really the only comfortable pair of shorts I’ve ever owned, muffins and their tops aside.

Now, when I’m feeling like a need a boost I have those for my tummy comparison, and that bikini top for my chest and back comparison. I feel like this is a much more satisfying way to measure my success than a stupid number on the scale. Dumb piece of junk…Anyway, hope you have a fantastic weekend and go see Star Wars before someone ruins it for you!

Better late than dead

I had absolutely nothing to worry about! Having had a nervous stomach all day, I finally made it to my appointment with the trainer and she was exactly what I needed. We talked the whole time about the crazy health issues we’ve both suffered with our whole lives and how general practitioners had completely let us down, and how things were finally starting to look up once we had found a naturopath. We talked about nerdy things, I showed her pictures of my Geek Chic wedding (and she cried over the cuteness), and she promised she would never let me set foot on a treadmill because she hates them and fully supports women wanting to lift. It was a good day. There was a sad side to the meeting, though. According to her device, I am 39% body fat when 22% is considered the healthy range. So I have a journey ahead of me.

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Now, I had my actual training with her yesterday, and I’m pretty sure I died in the training room for a few seconds there. Today I am the most achey I have been in years and I didn’t know “squats” could be written on a coroner report for probably cause of death, but it’s definitely looking like a possibility at this point in time. As I’ve said before, I’ve apparently never actually done a real squat before, because my heels lift off the ground when I do. Well, that didn’t stop my trainer! She placed a large ball behind my back, handed me a 20lb kettle bell, and instructed me to squat past lateral (almost touching the ground (or so it felt)) a total of 45 times. Thankfully this was not in a row, but through 3 circuits of 4 exercises. It worked for my form, but all day I have been avoiding engaging any muscles in that area.

Have you ever been breathing but not feel like you are? Because that’s where I was at. All the blood in my body relocated to my head and oxygen got really confused as to what to do once it had been inhaled. So basically, what I learned was fantastic, but I think once I start doing it myself, I’m going to take it a little slower. By no means will I take it easy, but  since I won’t be trying to please anyone, I won’t be pushing myself to the point I’m deciding whether to throw up or faint first. Also, I will be remembering to bring a water bottle next time.

Or will be now.

So that’s it. I’m still here, but feels like barely.

Also, this never posted and I just realized it…fail. Have a great weekend!

True Lies

So here’s the thing. I’m actually down a pant size, comfortably in 12s now. We started working out on schedule too and I woke up every time I engaged my stomach muscles last night while flipping all over the bed like one does while unconscious. Unfortunately, most days now when I see myself in a mirror or God forbid someone photographs me, I feel like that fat raccoon you see on funny picture collections. You know, this one:

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It’s bad. I mean, obviously something is happening for the good! My clothes are fitting better, my Basal Body temp is almost to the normal range (meaning my thyroid is finally kicking into gear), but here I am feeling like the biggest lump to have lumped. What’s up with that?!

So, I’m just upping my water intake again (meaning, I’m making more of an effort to keep a bottle with me. Ps, brb, gotta grab that…), keeping off the scale, and getting in with a personal trainer tomorrow. And by the way, I am terrified of seeing her. I know my body, I know what my body can handle, and I also know that I am a people pleaser to the point that it could probably kill me.

Thankfully it’s only one free session, so hopefully I can explain that under doctor’s orders (um, kinda), I’m supposed to stick to low impact shit without sounding like a lazy ass. There’s a difference between ‘lazy’ and ‘has been sick so many years it has lead to a cautionary state’, but unless you’ve lived it, it’s really hard to see the difference. Like the video of the surgeon I shared last week. He was bitter and hateful and blamed his patient for the state she was in until he started suffering with unknown weight gain. It was only then, and after he learned why it was happening, did he have sympathy for those in that situation.

Anyway, we’ll see. I’m hoping it’s just an evaluation with her asking what I would like to do. I would really rather not be doing the combat ropes and running on the treadmill. I’ve seen a trainer once when I was younger, and they basically just wanted to run me to death. No wonder I have an aversion to seeing her tomorrow. Ugh. I’ll let you know  how it goes. Until then, make good choices for yourself!

 

My Body Can’t Even

I know i haven’t posted in a while, but I didn’t see the point posting the same thing week after week. Saying that I’m eating right for my body, but still not seeing any changes, maybe soon. And while that’s still the case, sadly, I decided to stop a plan for the time being. I’m tired of stressing and making myself feel bad when I don’t stick to it completely. So I loaded my fridge with meats, veggies, and fruits and I just eat when I’m hungry. I grab some fruit when I need something sweet, and have bottles filled with lemon water and a mixture of apple cider vinegar with cinnamon in my refrigerator for when I want something other than water.

We also finally were able to sign up at the gym and are now planning on going at least 3 times a week to get back to weight lifting. Aside from that news, I have been taking my time off from blogging to learn more about PCOS and the contributing factor to the shit that happens to me, which would insulin resistance. It’s a bitch, but learning about it is not just encouraging, it’s like giant lightbulb that is helping me see why everything has been such a struggle my entire life.

Here’s the thing with insulin resistance… When you eat something that spikes your insulin (like yummy yummy bread), your body literally “cannot even” and just sends it off to be stored as fat to use later instead of burning it for energy like it’s supposed to. This, for me, explained why all through my life, every eating plan I tried would crash and burn and end up gaining me 20lbs in a month instead of losing it. I did weight watchers with their easy and convenient frozen meals. Have you looked at the meal selection? Well, 99.9% of them are based around pasta, bread, or potatoes. All insulin spikers. So when that crashed and failed, I went vegan. Cutting out all fatty animal products would surely help lose weight, but when prepping all veggies meals got to be too difficult, time consuming, and just not satisfying, I turned to pastas and tomato sandwiches to satiate my hunger. Worst thing I could have done to my body.

The good news, however, is that studies show that when given time to rest and heal, one could reverse insulin resistance completely. So here I am, doing my best to stop touching the grains and root veggies that cause my body to go full on drama queen, while filling up on proteins when I get really hungry. The good thing about this arrangement is that I’m training myself to stop feeling bad about fueling my body. Everything I reach for is good, except, I will admit, the sodas that I have let myself get back on. It is really and truly my one real addiction. It’s ridiculous.

To to end my long awaited post, here’s a video I came across that is absolutely worth the watch. It’s time to stop blaming the victims and educate.

One Day

I didn’t forget! My computer has been in the shop since Friday, and it’s basically a new beast. Seriously, they replaced basically everything, so that’s been fun. As for me, I’ve changed basically everything as well! You know how they say “God works in mysterious ways”? I mean, usually people say it to describe off a bad situation which is terrible, but in my case it happened last week. I was getting aggravated that not only was the scale not going down again, it was creeping up! On my last nerve, I just start scrolling through Facebook determined not to think about it any more until later when I saw just what I needed to see on one of those silly clickbait articles. I usually ignore them, but this time, I felt like I needed to read it. “What does your belly say about you?”, and you know what? I’ve talked a lot about listening to your body, but sometimes you can know things but not put two and two together until much later. According to the article, I have what’s known as stress belly. “When your stress and cortisol levels are high, the body actually resists weight loss.”

I’ve known that I deal with bad stress and have all my life. And I knew that stress caused cortisol levels to go through the roof. What I didn’t know, and was prompted to research, was what addiction of mine stressed my body. That addiction is caffein, more specifically coffee. As you know, I love coffee. Like food-gasm love coffee. But I’m now almost a week without the real stuff, supplementing decaf on those mornings when I just want that warm, comforting mug. I had terrible withdrawals the first few days (headaches were the worst), and still need a nap after work every now and then, but I’m getting myself off it. And not only the coffee, but what I was using for my bulletproof coffee in the mornings as well.

Food-gasm

As I’ve said a few times, I am really really intolerant to coconut. Like, it makes water pool around my heart and I get severe shooting pain from my chest, up my neck, into my jaw. It is really really bad, and I want to die when it happens. Now, MCT oil is a blend of coconut and palm fats that many people have said don’t effect people with allergies due to the lack of proteins in it. And it was true, I wasn’t having the pain! But after having it every morning for two weeks, and watching the scale creep up, I’m convinced that it still causes inflammation in my body, because I still have an intolerance.

So it’s back to square one. I’m figuring out what to do for breakfast now, but my turkey wraps and sautéed red pepper fries are still going strong as a lunch option. I even found this awesome box of edamame pasta which is high protein, low fat, and I smother it with homemade alfredo sauce to help get my fats for the day. I’m back down about a pound and a half, but have two more until I am back to where I was before the inflammation. So, here we go again!

I had really hoped to have found a plan that worked for me by now, but I feel like I’m really close. Had blood work done on Monday, and praying something shows! Until then, feeling out my food options, and taking ashwagandha and magnesium before bed.

It’s a Plan

Do you ever have the ‘shower thoughts’ like, “If I could go back in time and talk to myself, what would I tell me?”? I think about that from time to time, and thanks to facebook’s new-ish feature ‘on this day’, I almost facepalm sometimes. Today it’s due to a status from my freshman year of college. I had no idea then about complex carbs and how they so terribly affected my body. Apparently on this day, six years ago, I thought it was fun that I could get a whole box of breadsticks and brownies to snack on through the night with an extra meal swipe I had that was about to expire. Breadsticks and brownies. Pretty sure this was from when I had given up eating meat and cheese in an effort to be a loose vegan for health reasons (yeah, health… it was a sad attempt). When I started that path, I had nothing but good intentions, but sadly I became a processed food ‘vegan’. Pastas and breads and popcorn *shudders* oh my. But everything I have done to myself over this past decade of trying to get healthy has taught me lessons, whether that be a painful or enlightening experience.

So today, though I weigh more than I did then (really, thanks to the poorly educated choices I made at that time), I know better now, and that’s worth something. So even when I go to Target with my pretty, skinny friend who picks up small everything, and I catch my reflection in the glass and feel like a slob, I know that I am making a change for the better, and one day soon, I may be able to pick up smalls too. Okay, not really… I have boobs that would never let me into a small, but hey, I’m good with a medium! And not just that, but my insides with be healthy because I spent the time to listen to what my body had to say to me, and I’m doing it early in life. Tomorrow I turn 25, and I’ve learned more about myself, my body, and healthy lifestyle choices in those short years, than many people care to learn in their entire lives.

And speaking of healthy lifestyle, I found a new (well, new to me) supplement line. It’s sold at Sephora, and they’re called Hum Nutrition. I went ahead and got the 21 Day Cleanse since it’s already prepackaged for being on the go, and is a natural way to cleanse and help digestion. In any case, I never mind trying new supplements. Aside from that, I refigured my eating plan that had been working for me, but was a bitch to prepare. So now I’ve got a bulletproof coffee to drink on my way to work for breakfast (10 oz fresh coffee, 1 scoop collagen, 1 tbs MCT oil. and 2 Tbs cream), a turkey wrap for lunch (3 oz honey roasted turkey, one slice havarti cheese, 1 tbs mayo, mustard, and a hand full of spinach on a low carb wrap), and for dinner, Bacon Wrapped Beef Stuffed Onions with two slices of applewood smoked bacon and almond flour instead of bread crumbs. It’s quite amazing.

Now I get blood work done Monday and only time will tell about everything, but I have a good feeling again. I think I’m on the right path, it’s just sticking with it that becomes the hard part. So have a great day, and I’ll see you again next week!

Fat Thoughts and Other Emotions

I broke down yesterday and weighed myself. No change. No change at all. The only up side is I binged on white rice all last week (so, you know, great time to weigh myself…), so I may have actually lost weight, but am currently bloated with water weight. Hopefully… But now I’m going back to abstaining again. I was looking at myself differently in the mirror, but since seeing no change, I feel like my reflection is just a blob. I hate that so much. I actually lost another half an inch on my hips, which is awesome, but my mental image is right back to where I started. Terrible…

How I feel today

So pity party aside, not much else to report. I applied for a new position at work, meaning if I get it we can actually afford consistent groceries that are on the diet and a gym membership! Which would be lovely. You know, actually being able to afford things? Yeah, it’s been a while. But for now, since I have nothing left to report except that I weighed 226 as of yesterday and have been dealing with a killer headache for about 3 days now, I need to go clean the house for the in laws coming in tomorrow. Praying next week is a better report, but like I posted last week, I’m trying to focus more on how I affect people vs how I don’t like myself physically, because that’s no way to live. Until next week.

Something More Important

Since my last post, I have taken some time to really think about what it means in my life to be “attractive”. I have these images on Pinterest of what I want to look like some day, but when I think through my life, I have never really factored someone’s weight into how I look at their beauty. Yes, there are some cases where no one should ever have that happen to their body, but that’s on both ends of the spectrum. When I think of the women in my life who influenced me the most, or who I thought were just plain gorgeous, you know what? Most of them dealt with a weight issue. But I never noticed. Let me just say that once more. The women who meant the most to me throughout my life dealt with issues about their weight, but it never occurred to me that that could be a factor in the beauty that was their life.

My grandma always had issues with her weight, but she was the person I always could turn to for deep conversations, advice, or a night full of games and activities together. Her weight never factored into the great times we had together. My mom, who is the strongest and most amazing woman (plus, absolutely beautiful!) I have ever had the privilege to know has always thought that she weighed too much, which stems from a stupid comment by a stupid girl in her youth that scarred her so much that decades later she still strives to lose those few extra pounds. You know what? I would kill to look like her. Then there’s a family friend that we grew up knowing. She could be described as ‘thick’ by some people, but I have never seen her looking anything less than glamourous. Her style, from makeup to wardrobe, is what most ladies would strive to model themselves after. Even in sweats this lady has her hair and makeup just perfect!

So even though these ladies are smart, caring, fashionable, strong, and the center of at least one person’s world, we as a society say that there’s something wrong with them because they’re not a size 0, and the stupidest thing is that they believe it themselves. Yes, I would love to see myself as a healthy weight, but after my meditation on this subject the last couple weeks, I think I am going to start changing from obsessive about reaching my goal, to instead seeing how I impact other people’s lives. There will always be some self loathing person who feels that they can only make themselves feel better by ripping other people apart (which is one reason I am starting to loath social media. It has given every idiot a voice behind a mask, and we have to live with their cruelty), but as a conference I went to this past weekend I heard something great. The speaker said that when you feel like complimenting someone, just do it. There is absolutely no reason to keep a good thought in your head when you could share it and brighten someone’s day, and maybe even their lives.

I had a problem doing this in the past because in my head I would worry that they would think that I was weird or worse, hitting on them, which would then lead to an awkward situation, but really, if that was the worst thing to happen to me in a day, I would be doing great. So I have started making it a point to catch people’s attention and compliment them on something. The world could use a little more kindness, so as the saying goes, why not “be the change you wish to see in the world”? Now get out there and tell someone how good they’re looking! And remember, you are the center of someone’s world, no matter your weight.

Ignore the Haters

Oh I felt so terrible yesterday that I honestly thought it was Tuesday. Yep, still sick… It’s looking like a case of bronchitis, which means aside from using an inhaler every few hours, there’s nothing they can do for me unless it turns to pneumonia. I pray it does not turn to pneumonia… that’s the last thing I need right now. That being the bad news, the good news is that the scale addiction is broken, and while I am curious, I really don’t think anything has changed in the numbers. BUT! I find myself happier with my body on a more frequent basis now. Yes, I still have days (especially after seeing pictures of myself) where I would give anything to look more the way I think I look in my head on the good days, but one step at a time.

And I got hubby to go with me to the apartment gym this week! That’s a total win, even if he still complained that it didn’t have what he wanted. Plus, not only did we do that, totally turned down a candy bar the office was offering as a special treat to guests. Ok, it was more of a “I don’t feel like walking to the office more than I want a candy bar” over “No, I don’t need the empty carbs”, but a win is a win no matter how you came to the results! So just working out, working, and working on my eating. Unfortunately, we’ve been flat broke since the weekend camping, so I have had to get by eating what we have around here, and while it’s not the best, it’s not bad. Plus, working out helps burn off the excess!

Now, I have a lot of reading that I need to get through today, so I’m going to leave you with this video I came across yesterday. If you hadn’t seen it, there was a disgusting, hateful youtube video directed at overweight people. It makes me angry when someone is so judgmental and hate fueled at people they don’t even know. Never assume you know someone’s life, because odds are you have no idea what they’ve been though. Off the tangent, to my point now. I had this video pop up on my newsfeed on facebook, and thought it was fantastic. I didn’t know who this girl was, nor do I watch her show, but she is delightful, and says what needs to be said. Take the few minutes to watch it, and know, you are worth it,

So, have a wonderful day, and remember to not beat yourself up for mistakes made, because there’s always another opportunity to do better. See you next week!

Scale Fever

Completely forgot what day it was! So do you want to know what the hardest part of this week has been? Not weighing myself. It has not only become a habit in my life, but it seems it is also an obsession. It’s been about a week since the last time I did, and I find myself feeling seriously overweight. I feel like everything I eat is terrible and that I’m eating too much, but when I log it to see, I’m only at half what I should be eating for the day. HALF! I realize I have no idea how I am without my scale. It was a crutch I was using to reassure myself that I was doing ok. Even if I wasn’t losing weight, I was staying the same, and after a lifetime of watching the numbers go up for seemingly no reason, it’s at least somewhat of a comfort to know you’re not going up. But without it in my life, I’m always assuming the worst. I look in the mirror, and feel like I look bigger than ever. I can’t even find my measuring tape to see if I’m just having a mental ‘fat day’ or if somehow I actually have puffed up. What is wrong with me?

Honestly, it’s probably just withdrawals. Like any other addiction, you’re going to have negative side effects, and it seems mine is terrible body image issues. In fact, writing this made me sad, and I had to go do something to reassure myself that I’m doing ok. Not the scale though… I’m keeping my promise and waiting until my birthday to see how far I’ve come. Which is hopefully at least ten pounds. Hopefully. Nah, I bough a ‘goal’ bikini years ago, and when I first got it, it was about four inches from closing. Today, I was able to get it not only closed, but fitting pretty well. I mean, it’s still a bit too small to be seen in public with it on, but it’s encouraging!

So that’s me this week. Eating pretty well, though I’m still fighting some kind of cold or something, so basically having to make myself eat some days. Especially at home. Eating out always sounds way better than eating in, even more so when I’m sick. Who wants to prep food when you’re coughing so hard you gag yourself? Not me, that’s who. Hope you have a great weekend! I’ll be camping, so pray I don’t die… from, you know… nature.