Fat Thoughts and Other Emotions

I broke down yesterday and weighed myself. No change. No change at all. The only up side is I binged on white rice all last week (so, you know, great time to weigh myself…), so I may have actually lost weight, but am currently bloated with water weight. Hopefully… But now I’m going back to abstaining again. I was looking at myself differently in the mirror, but since seeing no change, I feel like my reflection is just a blob. I hate that so much. I actually lost another half an inch on my hips, which is awesome, but my mental image is right back to where I started. Terrible…

How I feel today

So pity party aside, not much else to report. I applied for a new position at work, meaning if I get it we can actually afford consistent groceries that are on the diet and a gym membership! Which would be lovely. You know, actually being able to afford things? Yeah, it’s been a while. But for now, since I have nothing left to report except that I weighed 226 as of yesterday and have been dealing with a killer headache for about 3 days now, I need to go clean the house for the in laws coming in tomorrow. Praying next week is a better report, but like I posted last week, I’m trying to focus more on how I affect people vs how I don’t like myself physically, because that’s no way to live. Until next week.

Something More Important

Since my last post, I have taken some time to really think about what it means in my life to be “attractive”. I have these images on Pinterest of what I want to look like some day, but when I think through my life, I have never really factored someone’s weight into how I look at their beauty. Yes, there are some cases where no one should ever have that happen to their body, but that’s on both ends of the spectrum. When I think of the women in my life who influenced me the most, or who I thought were just plain gorgeous, you know what? Most of them dealt with a weight issue. But I never noticed. Let me just say that once more. The women who meant the most to me throughout my life dealt with issues about their weight, but it never occurred to me that that could be a factor in the beauty that was their life.

My grandma always had issues with her weight, but she was the person I always could turn to for deep conversations, advice, or a night full of games and activities together. Her weight never factored into the great times we had together. My mom, who is the strongest and most amazing woman (plus, absolutely beautiful!) I have ever had the privilege to know has always thought that she weighed too much, which stems from a stupid comment by a stupid girl in her youth that scarred her so much that decades later she still strives to lose those few extra pounds. You know what? I would kill to look like her. Then there’s a family friend that we grew up knowing. She could be described as ‘thick’ by some people, but I have never seen her looking anything less than glamourous. Her style, from makeup to wardrobe, is what most ladies would strive to model themselves after. Even in sweats this lady has her hair and makeup just perfect!

So even though these ladies are smart, caring, fashionable, strong, and the center of at least one person’s world, we as a society say that there’s something wrong with them because they’re not a size 0, and the stupidest thing is that they believe it themselves. Yes, I would love to see myself as a healthy weight, but after my meditation on this subject the last couple weeks, I think I am going to start changing from obsessive about reaching my goal, to instead seeing how I impact other people’s lives. There will always be some self loathing person who feels that they can only make themselves feel better by ripping other people apart (which is one reason I am starting to loath social media. It has given every idiot a voice behind a mask, and we have to live with their cruelty), but as a conference I went to this past weekend I heard something great. The speaker said that when you feel like complimenting someone, just do it. There is absolutely no reason to keep a good thought in your head when you could share it and brighten someone’s day, and maybe even their lives.

I had a problem doing this in the past because in my head I would worry that they would think that I was weird or worse, hitting on them, which would then lead to an awkward situation, but really, if that was the worst thing to happen to me in a day, I would be doing great. So I have started making it a point to catch people’s attention and compliment them on something. The world could use a little more kindness, so as the saying goes, why not “be the change you wish to see in the world”? Now get out there and tell someone how good they’re looking! And remember, you are the center of someone’s world, no matter your weight.

Ignore the Haters

Oh I felt so terrible yesterday that I honestly thought it was Tuesday. Yep, still sick… It’s looking like a case of bronchitis, which means aside from using an inhaler every few hours, there’s nothing they can do for me unless it turns to pneumonia. I pray it does not turn to pneumonia… that’s the last thing I need right now. That being the bad news, the good news is that the scale addiction is broken, and while I am curious, I really don’t think anything has changed in the numbers. BUT! I find myself happier with my body on a more frequent basis now. Yes, I still have days (especially after seeing pictures of myself) where I would give anything to look more the way I think I look in my head on the good days, but one step at a time.

And I got hubby to go with me to the apartment gym this week! That’s a total win, even if he still complained that it didn’t have what he wanted. Plus, not only did we do that, totally turned down a candy bar the office was offering as a special treat to guests. Ok, it was more of a “I don’t feel like walking to the office more than I want a candy bar” over “No, I don’t need the empty carbs”, but a win is a win no matter how you came to the results! So just working out, working, and working on my eating. Unfortunately, we’ve been flat broke since the weekend camping, so I have had to get by eating what we have around here, and while it’s not the best, it’s not bad. Plus, working out helps burn off the excess!

Now, I have a lot of reading that I need to get through today, so I’m going to leave you with this video I came across yesterday. If you hadn’t seen it, there was a disgusting, hateful youtube video directed at overweight people. It makes me angry when someone is so judgmental and hate fueled at people they don’t even know. Never assume you know someone’s life, because odds are you have no idea what they’ve been though. Off the tangent, to my point now. I had this video pop up on my newsfeed on facebook, and thought it was fantastic. I didn’t know who this girl was, nor do I watch her show, but she is delightful, and says what needs to be said. Take the few minutes to watch it, and know, you are worth it,

So, have a wonderful day, and remember to not beat yourself up for mistakes made, because there’s always another opportunity to do better. See you next week!

Scale Fever

Completely forgot what day it was! So do you want to know what the hardest part of this week has been? Not weighing myself. It has not only become a habit in my life, but it seems it is also an obsession. It’s been about a week since the last time I did, and I find myself feeling seriously overweight. I feel like everything I eat is terrible and that I’m eating too much, but when I log it to see, I’m only at half what I should be eating for the day. HALF! I realize I have no idea how I am without my scale. It was a crutch I was using to reassure myself that I was doing ok. Even if I wasn’t losing weight, I was staying the same, and after a lifetime of watching the numbers go up for seemingly no reason, it’s at least somewhat of a comfort to know you’re not going up. But without it in my life, I’m always assuming the worst. I look in the mirror, and feel like I look bigger than ever. I can’t even find my measuring tape to see if I’m just having a mental ‘fat day’ or if somehow I actually have puffed up. What is wrong with me?

Honestly, it’s probably just withdrawals. Like any other addiction, you’re going to have negative side effects, and it seems mine is terrible body image issues. In fact, writing this made me sad, and I had to go do something to reassure myself that I’m doing ok. Not the scale though… I’m keeping my promise and waiting until my birthday to see how far I’ve come. Which is hopefully at least ten pounds. Hopefully. Nah, I bough a ‘goal’ bikini years ago, and when I first got it, it was about four inches from closing. Today, I was able to get it not only closed, but fitting pretty well. I mean, it’s still a bit too small to be seen in public with it on, but it’s encouraging!

So that’s me this week. Eating pretty well, though I’m still fighting some kind of cold or something, so basically having to make myself eat some days. Especially at home. Eating out always sounds way better than eating in, even more so when I’m sick. Who wants to prep food when you’re coughing so hard you gag yourself? Not me, that’s who. Hope you have a great weekend! I’ll be camping, so pray I don’t die… from, you know… nature.