Good morning! So I will start out this post with a very honest confession. My weekend, while extremely fun, was a train wreck for the diet. Copious amounts of alcohol and bread… I was bloated, dehydrated, and feeling terrible. But since being home, we’ve been hitting the weights like a beast, and I’m now up to bench pressing 75lbs, which may not be a lot, but I am extremely excited that it’s more than just the bar! After getting home from the gym Monday, or as we call it “Arm Day part 1”, my muscles were so exhausted that after flopping onto the bed, I was unable to push myself up again. When I tried, my arms gave out, face planting me back into the pillow. I literally had to roll off the side then get back on on my back. And I’m still hurting today, so hopefully I’ll be doing ok for tomorrow, otherwise known as “Arm Day part 2”.
And while I am watching the weights increase, it’s hard for me to imagine myself any different than what I’ve been for, well, my whole life. No matter what I do, there’s always this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that nothing will change, I’ll always look like this, even though I know that cannot be the case. If I’m changing my life for the better, then I have to see results, which I know I’ve talked about a few times, but it’s honestly my biggest struggle. I have all this knowledge and hours of research into what makes a body healthy and how to treat symptoms of so many things in a natural way, but when applying them to myself it’s this fight of “you’ll never be healthy. Just eat that (insert food here) because normal people can, and one won’t hurt you”. I think the worst part for me is that I just want to be able to do what other people can. Go to someone’s house and they order a bunch of pizzas, and have some sort of grain with milk in the morning, but I just can’t. That’s socially isolating. I’m ‘that girl’.
Okay Arnold…
But when I’m home, by myself, I feel normal. Like this morning I had this amazing french yogurt in a tiny glass jar. It was delicious, great for me, and while higher in carbs than I’d like, I just think of the benefits it holds. When I’m home I can be surrounded by my high quality, delicious foods that my body can handle, but being a social person, being home all the time is a struggle. That’s why my weight is always up and down. I get a handle on everything while I’m home, but the minute we see other people, I slip into their diet habits, mostly because I have no other choice, but sometimes just because I want to be part of the group. I’m sure many of you understand that struggle. I think what I’m going to have to do is come up with a lunchbox of quick foods to get me through the weekend when we go somewhere. Like these delicious little french yogurts!
On top of everything, I think I need to do something calming like yoga or, really, anything that will help destress me. Lately I’ve felt the anger building inside and I have no idea why. Well, I know reasons why it might be, like a small, dark apartment I can’t seem to keep clean for the life of me, a job that doesn’t pay near enough to pay my bills, and an overwhelming amount of debt that we’re working through. I used to be able to release the stress with a little bit of retail therapy, but the last 2-3 paychecks have gone completely to bills without making a dent. That’s over a month of feeling like I have nothing to show for my hours dedicated to work. Yeah, no wonder I’ve been stressed and depressed, and unable to lose weight. *sigh* I just need to relax. So on that note, I think I’m going to go make a coffee and watch some Netflix for a bit before trying to tackle the house once again.
I Am Not Fat...But I Need to Lose Weight 